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9/8 6am

I’m lucky to see the sunrise on the bridge each day I think to myself. I could have skipped today but look how brave I am, I didn’t. I still wish there were a heaven a place without pain. It would be a nice place with pillows for your brain and head. Nothing to think about. Numbing, nice. Like lidocaine. Fentanyl and protocol. Maybe heaven is a hospital stay. I had hoped my sleep would be dreamless this time (because of the weed) but no dice. Unfortunately once again I’m in my middle school classroom wondering whether I need to tell someone I’m trans. (Also rowe is there this time and in the next scene im kissing sylvia which is not happening as much lately but I digress.)

I see glimpses of some more optimistic version of myself that realizes that cultivating and watering a garden on earth is the only way to survive and live, since there is no heaven, but forgive a poor girl for dreaming. And dream I do. Would be nice if redemption found me suffering and granted me a reprieve purely based on the fact that I was suffering, alone. Look at how she takes pain, accepts it, swallows it. Prizes should be granted to those who are carrying the most weight. Obedient isn’t she? See how her throat twists? She’d swallow coins for you if you ask nicely enough. And then heaven would find me limp and hollow and grant me a new transparent body unsaddled by the expectation of legibility. I’ve suffered enough, right? I deserve this. I really do. And then, and then, as I touch heaven, I would quicken, and heaven would touch me too…

But this is a fantasy of course and yes yes heaven is a home and I already have something very close to it in sunset park with sylvia and I should be happy and I am happy. I’m just saying that if there were a possibility of a life without pain then I would chase after it which

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