i journal as an act of desperation, an attempt to reclaim the things i feel i’ve lost. every day i forget so much, memories fall through the cracks in my mind like sand through a sieve. so here is today: i woke up early on martin luther king day to scrape the ice off of my car, and i cut my middle finger on the frozen door. i tried to do some reading. slowly, as if trudging down the subway plstform in the summer, i made my way through the opening chapters of anna karenina. so far, everyone seems worried about something. i made a quick breakfast out of a clif bar, eggs, salami, and bread. i drank some cold brew. i sat down for the afternoons book and thought wistfully about becoming more intellectual. then all i did was play the same five songs on the piano (will i ever stop practicing bach’s inventions?), spinning my wheels in place while pretending i’ll move.
then i read Females. i gotta admit that i hated it. what a stupidly satirical, uselessly ironic, implausible, and narcissistic take on what it means to transition and embody the beauty of womanhood. it’s the product of a spiritually sick trans femininity, and it runs counter to everything ive learned and loved about transition. there is no mention of the joy of transition, seeing yourself become more and more beautiful in the mirror, the ecstasy of loving and being loved as a woman, the community of other women who will protect u as u protect them. there are so many fruits of transfeminine existence that Chu chooses to ignore, and instead she picks at the unsavory weeds that only the chronically-online notice. “Look!” she says, “look at all the sissy porn/BBC fetish stuff that shows up on my timeline, and look at how much this gets me off! surely this must be a statement that’s useful and applicable to the lived experience of other women like me.” isn’t it a pretty known fact that trans women are stereotyped as being sex-obsessed perverts? Chu isn’t really helping when she invokes these archetypes, as if she finds kinship with redpilled tate bootlickers and blanchard-freudian sympathizes. the argument comes to a point when Chu openly admits that “sissy porn made me trans,” at which point i closed the book and picked up Slouching Towards Bethlehem instead.
otherwise, today was not so productive. my amazon account is messing with me. i opened the secret santa presents and really loved them and it was good to catch up with my friends. i had one of those tsingtao beers, and good thing i ran out because they’re addictive, lol! i start on neuro tomorrow, so wish me luck….
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